LOS GATOS, Calif. — Los Gatos, the premier purveyor of fine catnip and narcotics to the feline world, is looking for discreet, professional couriers following a recent setback in Costa Rica.
A Gatos courier was caught sneaking into Pococi Penitentiary on the night of May 22. The feline, a novice smuggler, was having difficulty navigating around a section of fence topped by razor wire when guards at the prison spotted and intercepted the kitty.
Correction officers captured the courier and found 2.4 ounces of crack-cocaine and eight ounces of marijuana wrapped tightly in plastic and taped to her body.
Under questioning, the narco feline admitted she was conducting a delivery for Los Gatos, creating legal troubles for the US-based nipcotics collective. It’s the biggest setback for Los Gatos since its 2022 war with another catnip cartel led to 14 cats getting sprayed in a drive-by urinating, an infamous incident known as the Tragedy of Tijuana.
Earlier this week, federal agents raided a Gatos compound, seizing an estimated $2.1 million in high-grade catnip and other nipcotics, the Drug Enforcement Agency said.
News footage showed several cats in handcuffs bundled into black SUVs while drug-sniffing dogs smirked.
“You’d better wipe that smirk off your face, holmes!” one Gatos lieutenant shouted at the canines, hissing out the words.
The raid and courier arrest have left Los Gatos with significantly less product — and fewer methods of delivery.
“The courier will be dealt with, as will those mangy mutts,” Los Gatos spokescat Pawblo Escobar said ominously. “In the meantime, we have customers who rely on us for timely deliveries of high-quality catnip and drugs, and Los Gatos has a reputation to uphold.”
Industry insiders say Buddy the Cat has been quick to fill the void. The longtime Gatos archrival reactivated long-dormant channels and has expanded his territory from his power base in New York.
“Buddy the Cat has the muscle, quite literally, to go paw to paw with Los Gatos and the other cartels,” said Felix Finch, a criminologist at John Jay College of Criminal Justice in Manhattan. “But obviously this isn’t a one-cat operation, which is why it’s fortuitous that Buddy has been establishing ties with the jaguars and forming a coalition with other big cats. Can Los Gatos withstand the combined might of Buddy and big cats? That’s the question on every feline’s mind right now.”
via Pain In The Bud