NEW YORK — Driven to paranoia by reports of spreading bird flu, Buddy the Cat has appointed his human as his food taster, sources confirmed.
The decision was made on Friday after the self-described “brave and fearless” tabby cat heard a news report about new cases of bird flu, including a cluster of the deadly virus in several cats in Hunterdon County, New Jersey, only 60 miles from Casa de Buddy.
Little Buddy made the act official, naming his human as “praegustator,” a title borne by imperial food tasters of ancient Rome.
“Your lunch, Your Meowjesty,” Buddy’s human, Big Buddy, said as he placed a bowl of chicken pate and fresh water before the feline.
Buddy looked at his human.
“What?” Big Buddy asked. “You want me to eat it for you, too?”
Big Buddy chuckled, but Little Buddy remained stone-faced.
“As a meowter of fact, I do,” the feline said. “Dig in.”
Big Buddy made a disgusted face.
“I’m not eating that, that’s your food, little dude,” he said. “What’s gotten into you?”
Buddy chuffed derisively.
“Bird flu, that’s what!” he said. “If you keel over and die, I’ll know there’s bird flu in the food!”
The human rolled his eyes.
“If I die, who feeds you? Who gets your claws unstuck from the door screen, rubs your head and tells you what a brave little guy you are? Who serves as your human pillow? Who gives you scritches while you purr and tells you about your website, and how many people all over the world love you?”
Buddy’s satellite dish ears twitched.
“I hadn’t thought of that,” he admitted. “But I’m still not eating that until I know it’s safe!”
Big Buddy picked up the bowl.
“Fine,” he said. “I’m sure Smudge next door will be thrilled with another meal.”
Buddy’s eyes went wide.
“Do not give my food to that…that scoundrel!” he meowed indignantly.
Big Buddy sighed. “Then we’re back to square one.”
“Yes,” Little Buddy said. “Now eat the food, human!”
Top image: Food tasters at the Feast of Bartolomeo Colleoni in honor of Christian I of Denmark, 1467/ Wikimedia Commons
via Pain In The Bud